Out of Context D&D Quotes

This is a blog for out of context D&D quotes. We take submissions. Not just from D&D. Feel free to submit quotes from all your table top RPG sessions!

GM: You recognize the riders from legend; they seem to be The Four Horsemen.

Bard-barian, in character: Everywhere we go, there’s demons, angels, demigods bossing us around, wanting favors, getting us into trouble, sending us out for groceries. No more. *shouts to the horsemen* NO. GO THE FUCK HOME.

Do we get attacks of opportunity on the airship?

—Alchemist and Swashbuckler playing chicken with an airship.

"After surviving an angel, a god, two dragons, and a mansion full of evil cultists there’s no way we’re turning over our purses to these bandits. Let’s taunt them until they give up and go home."

- The party bard inciting his companions to deliver such a vicious mocking that the bandits instead turned their purses over to the party and apologized for the inconvenience.

Rogue: We’re in a chapel? I marry [[warden]] and [[cleric]].

Warden: I’m pretty sure [[cleric]] is the only one with that kind of power. 

DM: [[Rogue]] did recently found a cult based on hedgehog worship, though, so who knows? 

"How can you be their voice of reason, when you’re mute"

- The DM to the only remaining non-evil aligned player

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO OLD YELLER THAT POOR CREATURE.
~ Party fighter, out of character.

Perspective

The Cleric, commenting on the Ranger’s critical hit usage of Throw Anything

Cleric: You can’t throw a rapier and do that much damage! It’s a light weapon, it’s unrealistic.

DM, pointing at the Sorcerer: He can shoot magic from his fists.

Anonymous asked: Regarding the anon who asked about the staircase story. Why didn't you recommend that they submit it to Tales from the Tabletop?

I think the mod who answered that question just didn’t know about it.

Dragonborn don’t brofist, they headbutt.

Jelly in a Jar

"I’ll call her "Smuckers!"

(The day one of my players captured a piece of an ochre jelly in a jar.)